a past memory

Today's post is by way of a blog prompt that I came across. The prompt is: "Has anything traumatic ever happened to you? Describe the scenes surrounding a particular event." So here goes.
Although I can't remember what day in what year any more, I do recall faint flashes of what happened on one specific night. Bear with me as I recall something from my past, that my memory has truly tried to obliterate from all crevices of my brain. A memory that was not made from happiness but rather from fear and humiliation. This happened when I was with my ex husband, or as I say now, the sperm donor to my wonderful daughter.
It was night, and I was sitting in the living room of our trailer. My husband at that time (SD for sperm donor), had been gone most of the day. I imagine he had been out partying and drinking, as was usual. The TV was on and I had settled down to watch it. Aside from the light coming from its source, I had only a small light on in the kitchen area. I heard his truck pull into the driveway and felt uneasy immediately. I knew to have my defenses up. SD could be counted on to be belligerent. That ominous pang hit my stomach. The best I could hope for was that he would pass out without a fuss.
He came in and with him, he had brought along his cousin and a friend. Okay, good, more people. No guy would just sit back and let another guy come at a woman. There was safety in numbers, right? I was counting on it. So they all sat in various spots around the living room. I was asked to get beer out of the fridge for them. Sure, add more beer and pass out faster! I went to sit on the arm of the chair SD was relaxing in. If I had sat by the others, there was a chance I would be accused of wanting to sleep with them or something. Nope, I wasn't going to provoke ANY type of reaction if I could help it. He started it then, the rough playing around. Grabbing me and enforcing his dominance. I looked to the other guys and they just kind of looked back. Well, it wasn't bad so perhaps I was just on edge.
I'm not sure what happened next, but I remember he asked me to head back into the bedroom for some reason. I don't recall feeling tense or anything. So, we walked back there and he shut the door. That's when it all broke loose.
I remember being thrown down on the bed and that evil look appearing in his eyes. That kind of look that lets you know that you are not in a place you want to be in. He started spewing words at me and calling me names. Then SD held me down and tied my hands and feet together. Tears were streaming down my face and I called for help. No answer. A huge knot formed in my throat as I realized that I was on my own. SD grabbed my throat tight and was inches from my face. He told me how he was going to kill me and how horrible I was. My mind raced to try and recall where the gun was. I could only hope it was nowhere near. After what seemed like forever, he finally passed out beside me. I slowly inched away and worked at untying my hands and feet. I have no idea how long the episode had taken, but when I finally walked out of the room, the other guys were passed out on the sofa.
I went back to the bedroom and laid down on the farthest side away from SD. Dried tears clung to my cheeks as I drifted off to sleep, in hopes that he wouldn't wake back up and start it over again.
This happened while I was in the midst of the abuse. I know I should have left, but it's not that simple when you are in it. So many threats that you believe and such self esteem lost, a person is easily torn down and made to feel like they are nothing.
Time passed and I had my daughter. She was my sole drive to finally leave that battered situation. I couldn't find anything worthwhile in myself to save, but I would not let her be brought up in it. Not my baby.

Oh uh-uh it's not fair!

by ~N~KaRneStudios

Last night, it started. That monthly flow of pain. I had been on a schedule. Every end of the month...bam there it was, but that's not how it is now. Now, MY system decides it needs to change up. Why, do you ask? Since Sunshine moved back in, it's MY body that is changing to regulate with HERS. Can you tell I'm not too pleased? Lol. In 3 months I have jumped 3 weeks to catch up with her. Not only does that mean I've had to deal with cramps twice in a month, but for some unknown reason this time, mine came before hers!!!! What???? It's just not fair! *cry*

So, here I sit today. I have my jammies on and I'm glued to my heating pad. I would use the hot water bottle but it just keeps getting cold and requires too many trips to refill it. I also can't seem to get the hot water bottle hot enough. I don't know if it's an age thing or what but it seems like the pain I get has been increasing. My lower back feels like it is recovering from being hit with a sledge hammer. Then, there are my stomach cramps which, being stereo-typical, feels like small knives repeatedly jabbing me. I love this feeling, I tell ya. I just absolutely LOVE it! :P

If starting my day off with "Aunt Flow" wasn't enough, I walked into my kitchen area this morning to see that apparently my dog is having a bit of stomach upset. Yep, a nice pile of poo was sitting there in all it's smelly glory waiting for me.

from FunnyFidos.com

My sweet puppy dog was facing the door whimpering. I couldn't get mad at her. She was trying to get attention AND she was at the door. After I let her out, I grabbed the handy dandy paper towels and the carpet cleaning spray. Down on all fours I went, spraying and wiping up. I just wish it would have been solid, then at least I could have grabbed a chunk of it.

from doggies to drill sargeants...

Today, my son and I spent time at the local animal shelter taking photos of some of the dogs in hopes that people will see them and want to adopt these sweet creatures. I've been doing this for a short time now. It's really hard to see these pets that are just waiting for a loving home to go to. Some of them have been abused and mistreated. Most come in looking like mere shadows of what a dog should be. The bones protruding from their hips and their ribs easily countable, make me wonder how someone could do that to a living thing. I don't think I'll EVER understand that. I can only hope that these adorable babies will find that home that they long to be a part of.
We spent somewhere around 3 or 4 hours trying to capture photos. With each dog, we take it out into the yard and hope that something or someone will grab its attention so that their ears perk up. I bring treats, crumble leaves, whistle, whimper, move around, or whatever I can think of in order to get a photo that I think will show others the true essence of the dog. My son patiently holds the dog, walks them around, calms them down, and aids me in any way he can. He is a HUGE help! With the time available, we were able to get good shots of 4 dogs today. We'll be going back tomorrow to take some more.
After finishing up at the shelter we decided we were hungry and stopped by Jack's to grab a burger. I called my husband and texted my daughter, to see if they wanted something. I didn't hear back from my daughter, which must have meant she was at work. My husband sounded defeated when I talked to him. Uh oh. His day wasn't going well. He asked me to pick him up something, as he was not going to be able to come home any time soon. So, my son and I ordered for three and then headed over to my husband's work place to drop his food off.
As we turned the corner and proceeded to park on the side of the street, from out of nowhere a man pops up at my son's window. He is really close to our car and knocking on the passenger window trying to get our attention. My son rolls down the window and that's when we met Mr. Drill Sargeant.

This older man tells us that he is a vet and a drill sargeant. He puts out his hand to shake mine and shows me his veterans card to establish that he was being truthful. Somehow, and I don't quite remember how, he ends up sitting partially in my car on my son's side but like facing him not sitting beside him. Mr. Drill Sargeant tells us that he served in Iran and lost his best white friend due to a grenade. Tears welled up in his eyes and I felt sorry for him. Having a retired military father, I guess I have a soft spot for those that have served. Then, almost out of nowhere, he says "watch this" and then begins using his drill sargeant tactics on my son. WHAT?? He is in my son's face just hollering. Now, I should say here, my son HATES and I mean HATES anyone in his face. Hats off to my son for taking it and being nice. I caught a whiff of alcohol and that just makes me more on edge. I was stunned that this whole conversation deal was happening. Was I in the Twilight Zone? Then my husband comes out of the building and I just look at him. You know, one of those looks that says "Help Me". He quickly turned the man's attention towards him and got the man out of our vehicle. I know this guy was a nice guy, the thing is, he very well could not have been. We were extremely fortunate. Living in a small town, I guess that I've let my defenses down a bit too much. This quickly taught me to snap those suckers back in line. Mr. Drill Sargeant ended up heading along on his merry way and we were left in bewilderment.

So how did the birthday go, you ask?

I think Sunshine's birthday went pretty well. :) She decided that she wanted to go out to eat at Five Guys restaurant. We all love a good hamburger and Five Guys has some great ones! Of course, with the amount of fries you get, we ended up splitting one order of them between the four of us. Yeah, they really load you up on those fries. Lol.
Afterwards, Sunshine decided she wanted to go get some frozen yogurt. So off we went to Makadoo's Fresh Yogurt & Treats. It's one of those places where you get to pile on whatever toppings you want that are available from the canisters on the wall. Yummy! Although, when eating the frozen yogurt, I can't help but think I am nullifying any healthy possibilities when I put sweets on top. :/ Oh well.
For her birthday, Sunshine got a cake made of cupcakes. It is shaped into a camera, since she loves photography. The icing is plentiful and it's very rich! One cupcake will make you grab for that glass of milk on the spot.
All in all, I think she was happy with how it turned out. It was nice for all of us to get out and relax for a bit. With school starting and Sunshine just getting settled in, things have been a little chaotic here.

Happy birthday to....wait a minute...

First off, I would like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my daughter "Sunshine". She just turned 19 years old. Nineteen years ago, I gave birth to her. Nineteen years ago, she was just a small itty-bitty baby. Nineteen years ago, I was nineteen years younger. Wow how time flies!
As I was contemplating on just how her birthday was going to go as far as I was concerned, thoughts just started flooding my mind. I know I'm not the only one that starts thinking one thing, then another thought enters, which proceeds to a new thought. In no time at all, I was having my own little conversation inside my head. You're like that too, right? Right? I'm not weird am I? Lol. So anyhow, for some reason I just started thinking about the whole birthday deal. Here is a day that children are given presents, cake, and maybe even balloons. They are sung to, and the day is set aside for them. Now, I know this is customary. I've celebrated each of my children's birthdays, if possible. I'm not dropping the ball on this one either, however that conversation in my head brought up a lot of thoughts. Why do we give presents and a cake every year to the child that was born? Yes, I'm glad I had my kids. I love them to death, but what did they do? I mean really? What did I do to have mine celebrated? Nothing. My mom did. I was just there. So, why should I get anything? Are we really a society that thinks, "Hey, give me presents for just being born!" It's the moms out there that went through the nine months of pregnancy. The mothers are the ones that rushed to the hospital and endured labor pains, and it's the moms that had to be sewn back together after the birth. So, in looking at the "whole" BIRTHday, what do the kids do to deserve presents and cake EVERY year? Now, I know we have a day for mothers. Mother's Day is celebrated every 2nd Sunday in May. I'm just talking about BIRTHdays, the day of BIRTH.
Like I said, I'm not skipping out on this birthday. I guess I just started over-analyzing exactly what this day is about. Lol.

I feel pretty...oh so pretty...

I have gotten a bit side-tracked lately with my daughter just moving in. We've been doing things here and there. It's fun having her back around me. :) Did I say that she is in photography? Well, Sunshine has been working on her photography for awhile now and so the other day she took some photos of me.

We decided that we would go to the stream that is just behind my backyard. It's close and it worked. Lol. I've never really liked having my picture taken, but it was actually pretty fun! I see one of the reasons why her clients love her so much. She has that ability to make you feel at ease even though the camera is pointed right at you. We were being silly (of course) and she would just tell me where and how to pose. Sunshine asked me to actually SIT in the water. I wasn't too sure I wanted to sit in cold water with a dress on and get all those lower regions wet, but I did. The sad thing about that.....she didn't like how those photos turned out and deleted them. So, cold bum for nothing. Lol. Oh well.

The whole thing didn't take long at all and we headed back to the house. I waited patiently (ok maybe not real patiently) for the photos to be processed and put up for me to view. When I finally saw them, I was super happy!!

Here are some of the ones Sunshine took of me. :)

I think she did a fabulous job and I'm hoping that we can go back out later and have her take a bit more of me, my hubby and I together, my son....... Lol

Home again, home again, jiggity-jig

This past weekend, brought my daughter back into our house to live with us for a bit. She(we'll call her Sunshine) had been living in the town we moved from and decided to start a life in the town we now reside in.

On Sunday, my hubby and son(Charmer) drove down and rented a U-Haul in order to help Sunshine get all her stuff here. I had no idea that my daughter had accumulated so much stuff! I mean seriously, she has a ton! Do some people become magnets to various things and just attract them? How can someone that is only 18 years old have THAT much??? With a U-Haul and two cars full, they made their way to our home.

The next dilemma? Where is ALL that stuff going? Yeah, I don't know. I do know that right now her room is almost impossible to walk into. Clothes are strewn all across the floor and there are still more boxes to be unpacked. Oh, and the extra icing on the cake? Sunshine brought a kitten with her. I know I haven't mentioned this before, but we have two full grown retrievers that are totally spoiled and totally rule our home. This has been interesting to say the least. I will say, there are times that I've gone into her room and can't find the kitten amongst all the other items packed in there.

I love having Sunshine back with me. Her and I used to be really close and I'm hoping that we will be once again. Though I have to admit, once a child experiences independence it is often a bit stressful for all parties involved, when they come back home. I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best! I could probably use some prayers or blessings, if any of you have some to spare. LOL :)

Hello..huh...wha..

I'm not a perky riser in the morning. I know, some people have the capability to jump out of bed feeling refreshed and ready to go. Not me. I need coffee, and time, and coffee. I just can't seem to feel like my brain functions without drinking at least 3/4 of my mug of coffee. I have however picked up on a bit of my mother's ability to "act" like I am somewhat composed and awake. This is totally fake. Lol.

So, this morning I awoke to my cell phone ringing. Groggily, I pushed the answer button and proceeded to ooze out whatever vocabulary I could muster. The person on the other end always seems to be much more awake than me. I tried to fake the perkiness but a little into the conversation, the caller let me know I sounded like I needed coffee. Guess I wasn't too convincing? Okay, let me get my coffee and then I'll get back in touch with you. For the moment, the conversation was paused. Ah, now to brew that fresh cup of warm delight.

After sipping most of my coffee down, I began to feel more confident in putting actual thoughts into a coherent discussion. I'm ready. Hello and good morning to you! :)

Oh what a night...

We sat down last night to watch the movie "The Green Hornet". I wasn't too sure of this movie and hadn't really seen any previews or advertising for it. That to me is usually a red flag. If they don't promote it much, chances are it's not that good of a movie. Having Netflix, we opted to give it a try and added it to our queue. Was that a wise decision? Hmmmm.

About half way into the movie, our attention was caught by flashing lights coming from outside. We couldn't see exactly what it was, from the comfort of our sofa. The visual effect was displaying itself through the small spaces in between the slats of our blinds. So, we paused the movie and decided to check it out. Yes, we are very curious people. Isn't everyone? Lol.

As we opened the door and stepped outside, the sky was dancing with an amazing light show. What appeared to be heat lightning, was bursting in rapid succession. It was both beautiful and strange at the same time. I had never seen heat lightning so abundant and covering such a vast area. We sat outside and were in awe of nature's show. I wish I could have caught it on video but with the neighbors backyard lights on behind me, it just wasn't going to happen. The three of us enjoyed conversing about everything from space ships hidden in the clouds to manipulation of the weather by HAARP. To say the least, we got a bit side-tracked from the movie.

After some time had passed, we all went back inside and continued to watch the remainder of the movie. I'll have to say, it's not one that I would recommend to a friend. The guy who was the "Green Hornet" did not impress me at all. I was more impressed by his sidekick. Ending the night, I know the light show was more enjoyable than the movie.

Quickly packaging it back up to mail off, I hope that the next movie in our queue is better.

Errr...ummm...long time huh

No, I'm not the most "on-top-of-things" kind of person. I do tend to get side-tracked. I've always been that way, even when I was young. I wonder if it's a habit you just pick up or is it something more entrenched in your very being. Regardless, that's me.

To be honest, the house really took a lot of work. I suppose it would have been a topic for blogging about, had I thought of it. Oh well, they say hindsight is 20/20. After tons of decisions (and I do mean tons!), we finally moved into our home in March. Even though there were times I wanted to give in, to throw up my hands and quit, I'm so glad I didn't. I love love love our home! It feels more like me than any other house we have lived in. I guess that's what you feel when you are able to choose everything from the paint to the toilets. Did I tell you how much knowledge I gained about toilets? I never knew about the extra hole at the bottom before! :O hehehe

So, with that all said, I am really going to try to maintain some sort of blogging pattern. I think I need encouragement along the way. Lol. Is there a support group for bloggers?? :)

the CRAZY train

For the past 2 months we have been dealing with buying a new home. I'm super happy that we found one, as I am ready to get out of the rental home we've had since we moved to this new city.

The home is in the process of being built. It's a spec home and not one that we asked them to build. Since it is still in the building stage, we are able to pick out most everything that will be going into it. I really had no idea just how much that was until now. :P

So much time has been spent picking out flooring, paint, lights, counters, etc. etc. The frustrating part is that I can only hope that the vision in my head turns out to be good in reality. I always second guess myself. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I'm riding a crazy train! Did I pick right? Will it look good? Ugh!

From the time-line given, the house should be finished around mid February. Please oh please let everything turn out perfect (or at least close to it). :|