Tuesday, November 8, 2011
a past memory
Although I can't remember what day in what year any more, I do recall faint flashes of what happened on one specific night. Bear with me as I recall something from my past, that my memory has truly tried to obliterate from all crevices of my brain. A memory that was not made from happiness but rather from fear and humiliation. This happened when I was with my ex husband, or as I say now, the sperm donor to my wonderful daughter.
It was night, and I was sitting in the living room of our trailer. My husband at that time (SD for sperm donor), had been gone most of the day. I imagine he had been out partying and drinking, as was usual. The TV was on and I had settled down to watch it. Aside from the light coming from its source, I had only a small light on in the kitchen area. I heard his truck pull into the driveway and felt uneasy immediately. I knew to have my defenses up. SD could be counted on to be belligerent. That ominous pang hit my stomach. The best I could hope for was that he would pass out without a fuss.
He came in and with him, he had brought along his cousin and a friend. Okay, good, more people. No guy would just sit back and let another guy come at a woman. There was safety in numbers, right? I was counting on it. So they all sat in various spots around the living room. I was asked to get beer out of the fridge for them. Sure, add more beer and pass out faster! I went to sit on the arm of the chair SD was relaxing in. If I had sat by the others, there was a chance I would be accused of wanting to sleep with them or something. Nope, I wasn't going to provoke ANY type of reaction if I could help it. He started it then, the rough playing around. Grabbing me and enforcing his dominance. I looked to the other guys and they just kind of looked back. Well, it wasn't bad so perhaps I was just on edge.
I'm not sure what happened next, but I remember he asked me to head back into the bedroom for some reason. I don't recall feeling tense or anything. So, we walked back there and he shut the door. That's when it all broke loose.
I remember being thrown down on the bed and that evil look appearing in his eyes. That kind of look that lets you know that you are not in a place you want to be in. He started spewing words at me and calling me names. Then SD held me down and tied my hands and feet together. Tears were streaming down my face and I called for help. No answer. A huge knot formed in my throat as I realized that I was on my own. SD grabbed my throat tight and was inches from my face. He told me how he was going to kill me and how horrible I was. My mind raced to try and recall where the gun was. I could only hope it was nowhere near. After what seemed like forever, he finally passed out beside me. I slowly inched away and worked at untying my hands and feet. I have no idea how long the episode had taken, but when I finally walked out of the room, the other guys were passed out on the sofa.
I went back to the bedroom and laid down on the farthest side away from SD. Dried tears clung to my cheeks as I drifted off to sleep, in hopes that he wouldn't wake back up and start it over again.
This happened while I was in the midst of the abuse. I know I should have left, but it's not that simple when you are in it. So many threats that you believe and such self esteem lost, a person is easily torn down and made to feel like they are nothing.
Time passed and I had my daughter. She was my sole drive to finally leave that battered situation. I couldn't find anything worthwhile in myself to save, but I would not let her be brought up in it. Not my baby.